Angelica (angelicangel) wrote in allmadeofscars,
Angelica
angelicangel
allmadeofscars

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Night

Ever since I was little, I hated the dark and the shadows and demons that lurked in it. It was the emptiness that could swallow me whole. Perhaps it started with the little prayer Dragon Lady taught me when I was really young which is the root of my fear.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray to the Lord for my soul to keep.
if I should die before I wake,
I pray to the Lord, my soul, he'll take.

My vivid imagination even at that age made it far worse, turning little noises--creaks and groans--into hideous things. Not even the hallway light that I insisted be left on gave me much comfort.

What did however was what I called my "sleeping buddy", an imaginary friend that held me tight at night, my protector. I never told anyone about him, being the second-to-youngest child of four daughters, I knew I'd be mocked.He wasn't an imaginary friend like the others say they have. I only needed him at night so that's when he was there. He aged with me so the comfort and protection feelings were always there.

Then puberty "hit" and I got depressed. The darkness became sort of a sanctuary.. where I didn't have to be anything and nothing was required of me but I still needed classical music to get me to sleep every night. It was a very difficult time for me but somehow I got through it.

I think it ended one night that it rained and I asked God for a clean slate. I was sorry for all that I had done and wanted to start over. That night I dreamt about an indian riding a horse making the black sky white and in the morning I felt refreshed.

Now when night comes, I feel that incredible pain of loneliness and yearning that I can't satisfy. I avoid going to sleep to avoid the nightmares until I fall asleep from exhaustion.

Such hollowness I feel...
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