My story so far
I don’t know when all this started, my self reliance, my cynical and pessimistic nature, my fear of trusting people and fear of getting to close…. Ok maybe I do. It all started when dad died, my childhood ended, and my life of misery began. Feeling lost, helpless and overwhelmed when things don’t go my way or when I don’t have a solution in sight. I never had anyone to talk to about my problems partly because I don’t want to talk to people for fear of being judged and embarrassed and partly because I have developed this self reliance that I mentioned I have a need to sort things out myself because I don’t need anyone I feel the need to prove that I can do it by myself prove to who I don’t know, even though I don’t do it now I would like to believe that I would have, because my life would have been different.
He was a great man and I resent the fact that I did not get to know him better. He was strict but fair, kind and giving, supportive in everything that we did, he made sure that we had everything that we needed and everything that we wanted, he was humble and selfless and respected by everyone who knew him. Although he was Afrikaans and born and raised in the apartheid system and he was a racist, he never taught us to be racist, he always taught us to respect people irrespective of who they are or what the colour of their skin is, weather he knew that the country would change someday or if deep down inside he knew it was wrong I will never know, but I know this, it is because of him I am not as racist as I should have been. He was a great husband and a great father, and I wish that I had more time to learn from him as I know that I would be a better person today because of that. But as life has its way my first real curve ball was thrown at me and I did not handle it well.
I remember my carefree life before that event. Running , jumping, riding my bike all over the show, taking walks with my friends( I had a lot of them then) and falling on my ass and laughing about it. Thinking back I used to laugh a lot…. All the time really, not a care in the world, I had a great family that supported me in everything that I did; I never had to worry about safety but what kid does, I remember going to my father’s work on the weekends driving the fork lift around the warehouse, playing in the freezers that they kept the stock in, trying to stay inside longer every time despite how cold and blue I got, I miss my active days, even though I was pretty much overweight all my life I was fit back then, competing in cricket, rugby, karate, swimming and tennis. The only sport I really did enjoy doing was rugby, but I did all of them because my father was there supporting me in everything, giving me tips advice, and training in our back yard, it just was not the same when he died I lost my competitive edge because I was performing for him, I liked getting praise from him when I did well and thinking back I enjoyed it when he complained when I did not do well because I knew that he knew I could do better and I went out to prove him right. I know that he wanted me to be a professional sportsman or a successful business man, and everything he did was preparing me for one of those things. He always made sure that if I started something, I gave it my all and would not let me give up, he pushed me hard I now know that it was because that life is not easy and you have to work hard to get anywhere. A lesson that I have forgotten over the years, and have since become lazy and do as little as possible.
I remember the fishing trips with my father; he bought a little boat that we took out on the harbor in Richards Bay. He taught me everything about fishing and the only thing he could not get me to do is actually touch the fish because I was so scared of them….. I wonder what he thought of that, knowing him it would have been what a wuss my son scared of a fish!!! I really miss those fishing trips. I remember him teaching me to tie my shoe laces and to swim and he always gave me incentives to do better and I did my best all the time because I wanted to make him proud of me and I’m sure that I did, but I will never know because he never told me and now he never can. I remember to my horror and pain how he taught me to ride a bike, I fell and hurt myself many times but he was always there to pick me up and pushed me to get back on that bike and try again until one day I could do it without him. I miss the times that he taught me how to braai, he would laugh at all the burnt offerings I delivered, but the next time he was there making sure that I did not give up, he did not believe in the word can’t and did not allow me to use it. I miss him helping me with my homework even though at times he got irritated with me as I was never the brightest student.
From a young age he taught me how to treat a lady, always be polite, always open a door for a lady, always stand up if a lady walks in a room, never touch a lady without her permission and the ultimate rule never, never hit a lady, “if you do all these someday you will have a good woman who will marry you and will do anything for you” he told me. All these lessons I took to heart because I looked at my mom and I saw that it was true, I made a pledge at a young age to listen to what he said after all it worked for him so I can’t go wrong can I?
I miss the lessons that he still had to teach me, like shaving I’m sure I would have cut myself less and gone through less pain if I had him around to show me how, I miss the opportunity of having my first drink with my dad while watching a rugby game on TV and the first time he would have seen me drunk, I have always wondered what his response would have been, would he have given me a smack across the head or would he have laughed at me, once again I will never know. Then there were the lessons about life and sex even though I would have been embarrassed with those topics it would have helped, but as it happened I had to battle through these things blindly by myself as with everything in life and that was the beginning of my self reliance, solitude and loneliness. I became so self absorbed with doing things by myself that I alienated myself from the people close to me, like my friends and the rest of my family, and soon I would retaliate if anyone offered to help me, as I see it as a sign of weakness if people help me “I can do it by myself!!” is my usual response. Because of this attitude I never asked for help when I should have because I am this “strong” person that does not need anything from anyone, and that is my down fall, as I’m not strong it’s all a facade I am weak, constantly depressed and treading through the mine field of my mind. I had to show that I was strong after all cowboys don’t cry! so I stuffed everything inside to feaster and boil and it all just added to my mine field and depression.
I wonder how different my life would have turned out if I had my father there to pick me up every time I fell I know that he would have pushed me to get back on that bike called life, I’m sure I would be a well rounded individual with very little issues.
28th August 1992
That day started out like any other, being woken up at half past six, to get ready for school, had a quick breakfast, getting in the car with my sister and my dad, the quick trip to drop Lee-Ann off at school then off to my place of pain. Once we got there I gave my father a kiss (at this time I hated doing it because I’m 12 and I’m a big boy now.) but little did I know that was the last kiss that I would ever give him and the last time I would see him alive.
My day was routine going about my classes staring at my watch waiting for the end day school bell. When it rang I took a slow walk home, and went about my usual business of fighting with my mom about homework my usual story I don’t have any but I did and she knew it.
I remember my mom phoning my dad’s office wanting to talk to him about something, and his secretary said that he had gone out, but she would give him the message and tell him to phone her back. The day wore on and still no phone call. Four o’clock came and went and still no word from my father by that time he should have been on his way home. Half past four still no dad, even though I did not know it but I’m sure this is when my mom would have started worrying, being in the time of no cell phones my mom made frantic call to friends and my dad’s colleagues to see if any of them had seen him, none had and work people said that he left work about twelve and no one had seen him since.
At about eight my mom’s friend came round and they went to look for him, leaving my sister and myself at home. I remember like it was yesterday, I spent most of my evening in my room listening to Right said Fred’s debut album over and over. As time went on I remember that even I started to get worried and restless but It was the last time in a long time that I was optimistic , mom and dad will be home soon and I’m going to get into trouble for being up so late……. I wish that was the case. Somewhere around ten I heard a knock on the door, I got off my bed and bounced to the door in my usual cheerful manner, and the first person I saw was my mom’s friend, I thought to myself she looks quite glum as I reached for the keys to open the gate, then I saw my mother, and I noticed that she had been crying…. My heart dropped but I was still optimistic dad’s been in an accident and is in the hospital I thought to myself, I opened the door and my mom crept in and gave me the biggest hug that I had ever gotten and said to me “ dad is dead!!” I could not accept what was said to me. At this time my sister came into the kitchen then my mom pulled her into the hug and said it again and this time said more “dad is dead he committed suicide! He hung himself” and I remember my sister saying “I knew it” and she started to cry, but I never, I don’t know why, maybe it was because I did not want to believe it or maybe it was because I was too young and I did not fully understand what was going on.
My mom’s friend then went about phoning family to inform them of what happened. The first one to arrive was my father’s brother uncle Johan and aunty Rita and my father’s mom (ouma) who came all the way from Newcastle, at that time we were very close to that side of the family and I remember running to him and giving him a very big hug before he was out of the car properly, he then looked down at me and said “Grant you are now the man of the house.” That is where my childhood ended because I took that to heart and I wanted to prove that I could be the man of the house.
Something I noticed about that evening that I will never forget is that my mom would not cry in front of me and I thought then that it was because I was able to comfort her in some way so I made a point of staying with her so that I could make her feel better. My family made her lie down in bed to try and get some rest, one of my aunts, Phyllis told me to go into the room with my mom as I seemed to have a hold over her as she put it, so I did as I walked in I could hear that she was crying, but as I sat on the floor next to the bed and held her hand she stopped crying, and I said something to her for the first time and something I have not said since “I love you mom” and I thought what Phyllis had said was true, I do have a hold on her and I’m making her feel better. As time went on and my mind was drawn back to that night I came to realize something as I got older, I don’t think I was making my mom feel better she always stopped crying when I was around because she wanted to be strong for my sake to re assure me that everything would be ok, and that is the type of woman she is always willing to put her children before herself in any situation. I can only hope that I can be half the parent that she is and I wish that I said I love you to her more but now it’s too late and I don’t know why.
The days leading up to my father’s funeral I still had not shed a tear, I remember going to the funeral home with Uncle Johan and to my father’s work to inform them what had happened. When all the people there saw me they started crying and yet I still had not shed a tear, one of my father’s co-workers said to my uncle “Grant seems to be taking it well” and his response was “he’s strong like his father.” And I thought to myself well maybe I am strong that is why I have not cried yet and everyone seemed to praise me for being strong so I thought that it was a good thing so that is what I made myself and I think that really is the start of my self reliance problems.
One of the days before the funeral my friend Patrick phoned and asked if he could come over and play, my aunt asked to speak to his mother and told her what had happened and asked me if I wanted Patrick to come over and I said sure. When he arrived he said to me “I don’t want to make you sad but did your father die?” I said yes and that is all that was said about it and we went to play, a normal person should not do that, I should not have let him come over, but I was strong I could handle anything so I did.
The day of the funeral came and before the service my mom, sister, Carol (a daughter of family friend) and myself went to the funeral home to view my father’s body. It was the last time that I saw him, lying there in the coffin like he was sleeping I just stood there staring at his face with nothing going through my mind, my mom and sister started crying and I still had not shed any tears. The funeral was at a small church and I remember that it was full, a testament of how well known and respected my father was people were standing outside the church. I can only hope that one day when it’s time for my funeral that I will have half the amount of people there that will make me happy. It was as normal as funerals go the priest quoting from the bible and saying that we must not be sad we must rejoice because he is in a better place, but even from that age I knew that people that commit suicide do not go to heaven, and I remember getting angry at the priest how could he say that he knew what had happened and what the bible says about taking your own life. Then came time for my first and last tears for my father, we sang a song that my father had always liked “Amazing Grace” a song that had always and till this day gets me emotional, I managed to stay strong through the first verse but in the second I could not hold it in and I started to cry, and I remember my sister handing me a tissue. When we had finished singing the song I stopped crying and it was the last time I cried about the death of my father something that I believe is not a healthy thing.
Once the service had finished we all got into cars and followed the coffin to the graveyard, I remember seeing a traffic officer escorting us to the graveyard on his motorbike so that we did not have to stop at robots or stop streets, it was the same traffic officer who was at my school by the pedestrian crossing everyday making sure we got across the road safely I don’t know why that stuck in my head but it has.
Once we arrived at the graveyard everyone gathered around the coffin waiting for it to be moved to the grave. Once it started moving Uncle Johan stopped it and called for me to come to the front and lead it to the grave but I did not want to and I don’t know why to this day, so I shook my head and said no I could see that he was upset that I did not want to do it, thinking back I should have it was my duty to do it, the new generation leading the old to its final resting place, and I know that my father would have wanted me to and it is something that I regret not doing and I would do anything to change that.
As funerals go there was a small service at the grave and we watched my father being lowered into his death place, we all grabbed a handful of rose petals and threw it on the coffin once that was done they started to fill the grave and we left.
There is more that I regret, I never told my father that I loved him and I will never forgive myself for that and there is nothing that I can do about it because just like in typical Grant fashion I always leave things too late and I can never fix them. I regret all the times that I could have spent with my father but I did not for some reason. I regret all the times that I made him angry all the times I did not listen to him. I regret all the times that I said to myself I wish he would leave me alone. I regret all the times that I was angry with him because he said no to something. I regret that now I have to look at pictures just to remember what he looks like. I regret that I don’t even remember what his voice sounds like. I would give up everything that I have gained over the years just to be able to talk to him for just one minute, I would say to him dad I love you and apologize for not saying it more, I would ask him if he was proud of the person that I have become, and I would hug him like I have never hugged anyone before. I also wish that I could have been the one to die instead of him, my mom needed her husband over the years and at least my sister would have had a father and not a poor excuse of a brother, who is lazy, self absorbed and unwilling to make something of himself.
Where to start, well since the death of my father she has really become a father figure for me, always making sure I have what I need and want. Even though I won’t let her, I know that she will always be there for me if I need her. She really is a remarkable woman, always putting the needs of her children before her own and to me that is what makes a good parent. I know that I disappoint her, and that she wanted me to do so much with my life, instead of being 27 and still living with her with no source of income. I regret that she still has to support me a task that she never complains about, and I can’t even remember the last time she bought something that she wanted because all of her spare cash is coming to me and I’m very embarrassed about it.
She did her best for me since dad died, but as remarkable as she is I don’t think it was enough, and I mean when it comes to emotional things not as a provider. I know that my father would have pushed me into talking if I was upset and I would have but it’s too late for that now because if someone pushes me I just push back it’s a defense mechanism of mine. There were times that I needed guidance and I did not get it, and I think it was because she did not want to upset me because of what we all had gone through and because she had a lot to deal with herself. I know for a fact that she was still crying herself to sleep when I was 16 years old. That aside it was too late already and I would not have let her help me because I’m this strong person and I don’t need anyone’s help. The walls around my heart had already been raised. I take solace in the fact that if I needed to talk she would have been there for me no matter what, and a big portion of who I am today emotional issues aside is because of her. She is a woman that I respect and love with all my heart and is a role model for me. I hope that I will find a woman like her that would be willing to be my wife, and I know that she would be the glue that will hold my family together in difficult times.
If I can be half the father that she is, I know that my kids will turn out just fine, and nothing will make me happier than to give her a grandchild from my side, but alas that seems it will take longer than I thought and I hope that it won’t be to late when I do have children.
Now this is an interesting one, like all siblings we have our moments, it was quite bad at one stage we always used to fight and they would get horrible at times, but as we both got older and more mature we seemed to fight less, with the occasional blow up from time to time.
I have never told her this but I love her, and she does and has done so much for me over the years, it is because of her that I have visited many countries more than most people, she has bought me a lot of nice things over the years but more importantly she has tried to help me in life she has tried to give me advice and always asked me if I was ok when she saw that I was down, but as in typical Grant Fashion, I don’t need your help I’m strong I can do it by myself. She was always the one who tried to get close to me but I would not let her she kept running into those walls around my heart. I regret my relationship with my sister as I know if I had just let her in she would have been able and willing to help me as we went through the same thing and she would know how I felt and would have tried to help me in anyway.
She seems to be successful in everything that she does, but that is because she works hard and knows what she wants out of life unlike me. I will always feel that I’m living in her shadow because I have achieved nothing in my life, and I always wonder if my mom and her wish I was more like her….. I’m sure that they do. I know that dad would be proud of her and I know that he would kick my ass for being a slacker.
She is successful in her career, has a good husband and a beautiful child, and every day that I spend around them I get ashamed and depressed because that is what I should have and I don’t and it does not look like I will have it anytime soon. Seeing her family makes me reflect on my life and where I went wrong, but I don’t see a way to change or fix myself I need someone to do that for me. I hope that one day I will have what she has and that I will live up to their expectations….. I can only dream.
She is another touchy subject, with everything that had gone on in my life, she was the first person to pull me out of my shell, it took her a long time but she managed to do it, even though I was not close enough to her to tell her about my past we were close, the closest I have been to anyone since my father died, and in time I fell in love with her. I did not share my feelings with her one because I was shy two because I did not want to face rejection and I did not want to get hurt again. So we went on being just friends doing everything together, during school holidays we would spend the whole day together every day, and when we were in school as soon as we got home we would meet up and spend the rest of the day together. This went on for many years and I was happy, until she started getting boyfriends, and then I started getting depressed and thinking that I should tell her how I feel and see what happens but I never and to this day I still have not, and it was a big mistake because I will never know how she felt about me and I will always wonder if I had a chance with her once again typical Grant fashion. As time went on we grew apart she left school and got a job and by that time I was in the police and was not at home much. And every time we did see each other I just got depressed and was not good company and she saw that, it made us drift even further apart. She is now living in Joburg and is married and has a child I am really happy for her and hope she has a great life, but I will always wonder about what could have been if I was not so stubborn and stupid.
I turned 19 and thought it would be a good Idea to join the police reserves it was something that I always wanted to do and I thought that it would discipline me and give me direction in life. It did not there is no discipline in the police today and it could not give me any direction but it did teach me a lot of things and I did enjoy it. When I went out to help people it took my mind off my own problems and made me focus on theirs. So I threw myself into it working as much as possible but in doing that I was killing my emotions slowly, it got to a point where I had seen more than any person needs to see and have done more than any person should have to do. I don’t know if it was the police that killed my emotions or if they were already dead. I am never happy I am only content or depressed, I feel nothing no love, no fear, no happiness, no remorse, no compassion, no empathy, nothing. And in doing police work I became to appreciate life and learn how quickly it comes to an end. I started taking fewer risks and that made me a very boring person because I’m so cautions and got angry with people when I saw them do stupid things, these “boy racers” as we call them really got me irritated, getting behind the wheel and driving like pricks just to prove that they are men. I would have liked to take all of them to an accident scene and let them pick up a body of a wasted youth, and then forced them to tell that persons loved ones that they were dead and tell them how they had died, just like I have done many times in the past, I know that would not of helped because there is no discipline in the youth of today no morals all that they are worried about is the next party the next drink their next fuck, and bragging to their friends how the shagged this chick and how she loved every second of it and bragging of how they told that policeman off… what hero. But I know that if shit had to hit the fan they would shit themselves and be the first to run like a coward and cry like a little bitch.
Then there are the girls, teenagers who walk the streets at three in the morning with no regard for themselves, I always used to stop and offer to give them a lift home some accepted and others said no I warned them of what could happen it’s not safe these days you know, but the usual response that won’t happen to me, so I’d leave them, a couple of times we would get a complaint of a robbery and when we arrived it was one of those girls, crying asking why this happened why is this country so fucked up why did you take so long to get here . I remember thinking you little brat I told you, I offered to help but I’m not good enough to help you, but now I’m good enough for you… go to hell.
Then there are these girls who think that it is cool to drink and hang out with rubbish guys just because they are “cool” and they are the “bad boys” and sleep around with everyone and anyone with no respect for themselves, and let themselves be treated like shit, like a whore a piece of meat just because they wanted to be with the cool guys. I wanted to slap every single one of them but what would that do nothing I tried to help a few try to get them back on track but I realized after a while that I was wasting my time so I stopped.
I don’t blame the kids I blame the parents, they are so self absorbed with their own lives, that they just throw money at their kids and leave them to their own devices not knowing actually what they are doing, kids have too much freedom these days. When these parents get called to the police station because little Johnny or Susie got arrested, they are shocked and out raged they never knew this was happening, they promised to sort their kids out, but the next weekend there they are doing exactly the same thing.
No one seems to respect life anymore I know I don’t but it is so short and fragile. I came to realize that only people in the emergency services know how precious live is, because of what they see and do. The Special Task Force’s motto sums it up perfectly. “You have never lived until you have almost died; life has a flavor that the protected will never know.”
One good thing about the police it did introduce me to my best friend to date, Barry and as a result meeting his wife Dee I love them and I respect them but I will never let them get close, because as in the past I know that something will happen, and I will just end up getting hurt again, they too are running into those walls around my heart, as much as I would like to let them in I can’t, I can’t show them my emotional side because in my mind they will think that I am weak and that they will lose respect for me. Two good things have come about from knowing Barry, one the band and two because I met a very special person.
It has always been a dream of mine to be in a successful band and because of Barry and Dee I am, one would think that I would be happy because I’m living my dream , I’m not I enjoy the band and I enjoy everything around it but it does not make me happy, I don’t know why that is maybe it’s because I don’t have anyone special to share the experience with, maybe it is holding me back from getting a job and starting the process of making my family proud of me, maybe because I know that despite our best efforts we will not make a living off of it and I’m wasting my time, maybe it’s all of these things. I don’t like putting a lot of work into something and getting little or no reward from it, it’s just a waste of time and I think that is all that will happen with the band. But at the moment it’s the only thing keeping me sane and I will continue to do it because I would like to and I don’t want to let Barry down.
Then there is Shelley, that special person that I met because of Barry. What can I say about her…..? well ever since the first time that I met her I knew that there was something special about her, and I took an instant shine to her, but I kept my distance as she was going out with Barry’s son, and when I met Chase jokingly I told him that he must not bring his girlfriends near me cause I like them young and I will steal them. So I kept my distance and I only spoke to her in passing conversation or when she spoke to me, but I always found myself looking at her, I did not want Chase to think that I was trying to steal his girlfriend. As time went on I quickly discovered that my feelings for her were growing, and I did not know what to do about it, I wanted to ignore her even more but the opposite happened, we started talking more which made me get even closer to her which as I found out would only lead to more heartache, but more on that later.
Shelley is an amazingly warm person, who despite her own issues always has a smile on her face and what a beautiful smile it is; it to this day melts my heart and with her warm and friendly attitude, just made her a joy to be around. Every time she came to the band room I was happy to see her, she instantly lifted my spirits does not matter what mood I was in and no one has ever been able to do that for me, so from my side at least I felt a very strong bond developing.
As time went on and I got closer to her I started to tease her about anything I could, something I really enjoyed doing because it made her laugh and I could see her smile one more time oh and she went as red as tomatoes which is very cute, and to my shock and horror I felt that I was falling in love with her, but all these feelings I had to suppress because it was wrong on so many levels and I did not want to get to close because of my philosophy of if I don’t get close to people I won’t get hurt.
Once at Barry’s house she got drunk and was feeling quite depressed and started crying, my heart instantly started to bleed to and despite my best effort of trying to keep my distance I just had to talk to her, try to make her feel better, so I did. I went and sat next to her and asked her what was wrong and for some reason she told me, and I could not help but to feel sorry for her and I had to fight back tears, all that I wanted to do is give her a big hug and a kiss on the forehead and try to re-assure her that everything will be ok, but I could not because of what other people would say and think and I regret not doing it.
But as life goes Chase and Shelley broke up and I was very disappointed, one because they seemed very happy but all relationships come to an end at some point for various reasons and two because I knew that I would not see her as often as I did or even at all, so I tried to put her out of my mind, and I did that. But as things worked out I did see her from time to time and it made me happy and sad at the same time. Happy because I was able to talk to her again and sad because I knew that this may be the last time that I would see her. That was not the case we ran into each other from time to time and I was happy with that because I knew that the next time that I saw her I would be just as happy as the last time, I really looked forward to seeing her again when ever that may be.
One night at Burn Shelley came to watch the band, and we started to talk again and I offered her a lift home because her dad was going to pick her up before we played, it was at this point I decided to make subtle hints and I offered to give her my cell number and told her to phone me if she ever wanted to come out. She accepted this offer, but I did not want to make it obvious so I did not ask her for her phone number. If I had I would have been in contact with her more often and things may have gone my way sooner but I will never know.
A couple of months later as fate might have it I stopped at the garage to get some money and smokes, and who should I run into but Shelley, the normal pleasantries were exchanged and I asked her what she was up to, she said that she was supposed to go to tiger tiger but her brother had pulled out. We chatted for a while and then we parted. On the way to Burn my phone rang, I answered it and to my surprise it was Shelley, she wanted to know if she was dropped off at Burn if I would give her a lift home, of course I would I said it will be great to spend time with her again.
When she arrived at Burn she gave me another hug and the night began. I noticed that she was drinking quite a bit but hey why can’t she, we then watched the band and afterwards we went upstairs to get some fresh air and my regular joking and teasing started she did not seem to mind so I continued. After a while she started to complain of heart burn and I offered to go to my car and get some rennies for her, and she said that she would come with me, so off we went. Somewhere between upstairs and downstairs I felt her hand close to mine, and I thought what the hell so I took her hand into mine. I remember thinking what the hell am I doing and what the hell is going on here, but I ignored the warning bells in my head. On the way back into Burn she started to ask me questions as to why I’m single, what do I look for in a girlfriend and other questions along those lines, and just like on Star Trek the Starship Enterprise in my head went into red alert, I answered her questions honestly but my mind started racing was what I think was happening, happening, if it was there were so many obstacles. The night wore on and what I thought was happening seemed to be happening, she sat on my lap and we held hands for a long while, I remember being so confused and excited all at the same time. Time came to go home and we set off.
On the way home she said that she did not know what to do because she likes this person but it would be awkward, and the big age difference may be a problem and she did not know what to do, and what people would think. I knew for some reason that she was talking about me, and I told her to follow her heart. As we stopped at her house she thanked me for the evening and gave me her cell number, then to my surprise she leant over and tried to kiss me, not knowing what to do I quickly moved into a hug, and then she got out of the car. Before I got home I had received a sms from her apologizing.
All through the next day we sms’ed each other a lot and finally agreed to go to Burn and talk about what happened the night before. From the time I picked her up I could cut the tension with a knife, and that tension was still there about two hours into the evening, we both wanted to say something but we did not. After a while I thought to myself this has to get done and I broke the silence, I looked at her and said “talk to me”, she knew what I was implying she looked down and said “about what?” not wanting to take the lead in this conversation I replied “you know what I mean, what was happening last night?” at this point she went red in the face again, I remember thinking god you are so cute when you do that. I was also very nervous because I did not want to hear that last night was a mistake because she was drunk. But her response was the one I wanted to hear. She said that she had liked me for a while and wanted to see where it went to despite the obstacles in our way, we decided that I would talk the Barry and Dee and make sure that they did not mind as she was their son’s ex-girlfriend, (as it turned out they did not mind), another important issue for me was that her parents were ok with it, I know that if I had a daughter and she told me that her new boyfriend was eight years older than her I would freak out, she said that she would talk to them and we decided to take things one day at a time and see what happens.
This was the start of our relationship and the start of the happiest days of my life since the death of my father. That night when I dropped her off at home, it was time for our first kiss, I was excited and nervous, was I going to be able to do it right? Would she like it? Apparently she did.
I remember all the times that I held her in my arms and looking into her beautiful blue eyes, and seeing her smile and thinking how lucky I was and how happy and content I was for the first time of my life. I really enjoyed spending time with her, just sitting in a quite setting talking to her was the most important thing for me in our relationship for me it was the first time in my life that I had intimate conversations with someone about myself and it felt good. I also really enjoyed being close to her because of me being single for a long time I had forgotten how great the touch of a woman was.
Things could not get any better. Despite my attitude of not getting close to anyone I decided to take a risk for once in my life, she’s beautiful and great person and I liked her a lot, and I felt like I could tell her anything, and I did I told her things that I had never told anyone, about my past, about why I am like I am and that I don’t like getting close to people because I’m scared of getting hurt, she promised me that she would never hurt me and I believed her, for the first time in my life I trusted someone and it felt good.
I was always honest with her too honest at times I feel, and soon in our relationship I told her that I loved her, this was a mistake on my part as I feel that I pressured her into saying it back to me, when she did not love me. She said things to me that I believed things like, when she is around me she has never been this happy and that she loved me with all her heart and this made me feel good….. no it made me feel great.
I followed my father’s guide lines on how I should treat a lady, all but one I never opened doors for her I know that he would kick my ass if he were still around. Things were going great or so it seemed, but at times I could feel a vibe between us but I ignored them because I was happy.
The beginning of the end
She then told me that she would be going overseas because she has been offered a job in England, I always knew that that might happen, that day she told me I was so depressed and I did not know what to do and I started to think what to do about it. I love her, but I would not ask her to stay because it is a great opportunity that not everyone gets and I would not want to stand in her way. There was only one other option for me, I would leave the band and go over with her not knowing if our relationship would work out or not, I was still prepared to give up on my dream for the chance that we would work out. I told her what my decision was; she said that she was happy about it but I could see that she was not.
A few days later she spoke to me and said that she did not want me to go overseas because she wanted to go alone and find herself as she put it, I can understand that, so I agreed that I would not go, and we will try the long distance thing. Naturally I was disappointed and worried because deep down inside I knew a person like her will always have guys throwing themselves at her and in time I knew that she would find someone better than me, but I had trust in her.
A while later we spoke again and she told me that she was not yet over Chase, something that I always knew but I was prepared to deal with it, it hurt I won’t lie but then she told me something else that hurt more; since Chase she had never really been happy, and that she was not sure if she wanted to continue our relationship when she went overseas, but she still wanted us to go out until she goes. I thought to myself ok I love her and I’m happy I’m ok with this and I thought that in time her feelings for me would grow so it continued.
Soon after it reached a point that I knew it was over there was a very big vibe between us and I started to get depressed because I did not want it to end, but I’m a realistic person and I knew that we were finished, but I was not going to make it easy for her I would try to convince her that we must try. We met up and discussed it and she told me something that I always knew, she did not love me, she loved the fact that I loved her, and that she could not do the whole long distance relationship thing, and the reason that she did not want to continue the relationship was because she did not want to get any closer to me because it will be harder for her to say goodbye. I have no doubt that she had feelings for me and that she cares about me, but not in the way that I wanted her to.
As breakups go it was a good one, despite me feeling hurt and betrayed in a way because of what she had told me in the past, I think that she was not completely honest with me because she did not want to hurt my feelings and I can understand that, but I would have preferred her to be honest with me from the start as I would not have been as hurt as I am now. I got angry and thoughts started running through my head, did she do this because she knew that she would be close to Chase more often because of the band, did she really ever have feelings for me or was it all a lie? I have to believe that she did have feelings for me because it would be cruel to do that to a person. Sanity then returned and I realize that all I care about is her happiness, whether it’s with me or not. I love her and I could never wish anything bad for her, as long as she is happy I will be happy for her, I can deal with my own feelings I have done it many times in the past.
It’s just my luck; I meet someone that I’m prepared to sacrifice anything for, change anything about myself just to make her happy, I’m prepared to die for her if the situation presented its self. I really would liked to have gotten to the point where we got married I would love to be married to her, I know that she will be a great wife and a great mother and I know that I could make her happy and give her everything that she deserves. But I cannot control someone’s feelings does not matter how much I want to and I would never expect her to live a lie and to pretend to love me. Part of me wants to be that pathetic little man who begs for a second chance and promises to do whatever it takes to make her happy and to be the one that she wants, but what good will that do she does not feel for me in that way, so I won’t even try.
Now I’m back to square one, unhappy, depressed, left alone with my mine field of a mind with a few more mines planted, my walls around my heart are higher and stronger than ever. What’s depressing me the most is not that we have broken up, but that it took me 26 years to find someone that I am prepared to sacrifice anything for, for a lack of a better word the “one” I’m just scared that it’s going to take me another 26 years to be really happy again and to find someone like her again.
Then the other day she dropped another bombshell on me, she told me that she has feelings for an Indian guy that she works with and she is as happy as she was with Chase, now I’m not hurt that she is going out with someone else. What hurts the most is that she said, he treats her like Chase did and like how I did, and that he understands she still has feelings for Chase but that’s ok, and how understanding he is. But I asked myself the question did I not do that did I not say that I understand and that I’m ok with it, and if I treated her the same way that he treats her, why him and not me? And it makes me wonder what’s wrong with me, where did I go wrong? Or what I did not do right? I found myself questioning myself, why? Why? Why? If I did the same things that he does what makes him different from me? And that is a question that will always burn at my conscience, and my already low self esteem. Now I can only think and wonder if he is the reason that our relationship ended. Shelley says that it’s not, but I think that she started to have feelings for him while we were going out, and it just added to her own confusion and it marked the end of this chapter. Now I know that I should hate this guy and want to beat his brains in, but I don’t, I don’t know him, and I never judge people that I don’t know, maybe he is a better person than I am and maybe he is the one for her….. Does not mean that I have to like it. He just better treat her right and not hurt her in anyway because then my violent streak will come out and I would want to do horrible things to him.
But all that being said it was the greatest time of my life, I will never regret it and when I’m not hurting as much I will look back fondly of our time together. She was the one who really brought me out of my shell and cared enough to tear down the walls around my heart all be it only for a short time. A weird thing happened I started having feelings, for the first time that I remember I felt love, happiness, compassion and all the other feelings that a normal person would feel. For the first time in my life I really cared for someone outside of my family.
She gave me my first real Christmas since my childhood a time of year that I have hated for a long time. It was the first time I wanted to buy someone a gift, usually for me it’s a time of year that you are expected to buy things for people as it is tradition. But not this time I wanted to buy her something to show her how much I love her and care for her, and not just any little gift would do, it had to be something special and I think I got it right. I will look back and remember how happy I was at this time of year for the first time since I used to believe in Santa. She was also responsible for my best birthday since my childhood a day that means nothing to me meant something again and the gifts that she gave me were perfect there was nothing that I did not like or that I would not use. I have to thank her for making two times of the year that are supposed to be special, special again and I will not forget that. I will always love her and I hope that she is happy with everything that she does, and that she has a good life, she will always be my angel, and I hope that someday I will be able to meet someone who is half the woman that she is. I know that I should be angry with her but I can’t be because I’m a “nice guy” and as I said I love her and I have no ill wishes for her, if you love someone you will never wish them any harm.
Well what can I say about myself….. I’m a pathetic little man who has little regard for himself, has no drive, no ambition, I’m cynical, pessimistic, sarcastic, argumentative a lot of the time just because I can be, I’m scared to let people close to me because I don’t want to get hurt, I don’t want to accept help from people because I’m this “strong” person and so many opportunities have slipped by because of that and to be honest I have no regard for life. People say that I’m a great person I’m friendly, warm, kind, giving, selfless, loyal, reliable, honest, forgiving and I’m always there for the people close to me, I’m willing to help people that I don’t like and people that I don’t even know, but what has being a nice guy got me… nothing, has it brought me happiness? No, has it brought me wealth? No, has it brought me fulfillment? No, why? Because it’s the age old saying nice guys are not successful, and I believe that is true, it just makes it easier for people to take advantage of you, and eventually you spend your life being walked all over by others. I’ve tried being a prick because pricks seem to get everything that they want, but I could not do it, it’s not who and what I am. So I’m destined to be stepped on, chewed up and spat out. I hate most things about myself, but seem to be too lazy or unwilling to change, and when I was with Shelley that changed I wanted to change and it became easy to change because I was in a positive frame of mind and I wanted to change because of her.
All I want is to be happy, but every time, I get to that point something comes a long and fucks that up for me. I’m so tired of being lonely, so tired of being depressed, so tired of feeling worthless but all that changed when I was with Shelley. It’s like god does not want me to happy, every time I am, he looks in his little book, and says “ hmmm Grant ja I know him he’s a nice guy, tries his best to live a good life….. But he does not deserve to be happy!! What is making him happy…. Oh ok that’s it I’m going to take it away from him…. That’s better he is depressed again.” All I want is to be happy, to love someone and to have that love returned, I’m so tired of being lonely and unhappy, especially as I now know what happiness is, if you are unhappy and lonely for a long time you get used to it, and I don’t want to be like that again, and I’m scared that it’s going to take me another 15 years to be happy again. There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for me.
I’ve blamed god for far too long now, I said that I’m so sick of his little tests and games can’t he just leave me alone, and I saw the whole Shelley chapter as another one of his tests, and I got angry at him all over again, and I started to lose my faith. But Shelley is the light at the end of my tunnel after we broke up she sent me into another downward spiral of depression, and loneliness, but it got me thinking, why does this always happen to me, is it something that I’m doing wrong? Or is god trying to tell me something? And I thought about I and I think I’ve got the answer and I have to believe that this is way it is. God gave me that time with Shelley to show me how happy I can be, then he took her away from me to remind me of how I was, and he hoped that it would be the turning point in my life, a chance for a new beginning a chance to change my attitude, get myself into shape, make myself happy, because if you don’t do it for yourself no one will do it for you and I’m excited about it and scared shitless about it too, I don’t like change but I now realize that if I want to be happy I need to change, I don’t know how yet but I’ll get there, and I might ask someone for help this time the days of me being this “strong” person are over. I’ve got to take the power back so to speak it’s not going to be easy but my life has never been easy and this struggle will be a positive one….. A new beginning. Current Mood: uncomfortable