Twilight's Girl (blayze441) wrote in allmadeofscars,
Twilight's Girl

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How I Became Me

A lot of people ask me how I became a lesbian. Now, I'm not even sure if I'm that. So I figured I'd take you all on the long journey of my sexuality status.

It all started when I was little...My friends and I watched a lot of pornos as kids because we were curious ones and at the time I don't think too many parents knew of how bad Skinemax was. We'd stay up late and watch it. So there sparked my interest in sex. But also on these pornos, there was girl-girl action. Me and a couple of friends (girls) got curious and decided to act out what we saw. So I had my first lesbian orgy as a 6, 7, or 8 year old. I know you don't think that it would matter much at that age but it did. I liked it.

I didn't really think much else about my sexuality until my freshman year. My best friend and I had become very close and I told her that I had been thinking a lot about girls lately and as a what I thought was a joke she asked me out. I, of course, said yes thinking it was a joke. The next day she told me she was serious and I got excited and told her yes. Despite having my first girlfriend, I made out with at least two other girls while we were going out. Our relationship lasted for a little over a month but we decided to end it because some guys that we liked had finally become interested in us.

After her, I went out with another girl named, Shauna who was simply awesome. She had sex appeal and she was very dominant, which I find totally sexy. That relationship quickly ended because her parents found out and said we had to break up. She had proposed to me last summer but took it back the next day because she wasn't ready for all the things that came along with it. She's still a closet case and trying to find herself.

Following Shauna, there was Arron, who was my best friend at the time. She wasn't bi or a lesbian but she was just curious, which was good enough for me. Our relationship ended in the same way mine and Shauna's did. After me, she went out with a guy that I was obsessed with (and was having sex with for about 7 months out of my life) but we ended up making out in front of him because I didn't want her and him to have sex. I'm the jealous type.

That whole time I considered myself bi. That was during my freshman and sophomore years in high school but I was still a closet case, in a sense. I didn't care who knew as long as it didn't get back to my parents. I went into a whole depression period and ended up having sex with "the god" at our school, Nuke (or his real name, Christian). After him I called myself a lesbian for about a week because he was so horrible and I couldn't have the other guy I wanted so I just gave up.

Then came along the one who changed it all. She was my real decision to come out as a lesbian. I wanted to be with her forever. Her name is Carina. A blue-eyed, redhead beauty who desperately needed attention. Before we went out I told my parents about my sexuality so we went out the day afterward. But like all the rest, she broke my heart and she still continues to play games with me. If you want to know what she looks like, picture Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge. Yeah, she's that sexy.

I have a girlfriend now and her name is Heather. She lives in Terre Haute and loves me. And I love her...but I don't know if I'm in love with her. I made the rash decision to join her at IU (next school year) and live with her in Ellitsville. We're supposed to eventually get married too, but I don't know if that's gonna happen because I don't know if I could ever bring myself to the level of emotion that she has for me. You know what I mean?

And now...the person who makes me question my sexuality. Stephen. He has got to be the most awesome guy that I've met. I feel like I've come across a treasure and no one else seems to know about it, which makes me the luckiest person in the world. We have so much in common, he's such a sweetheart, he doesn't focus on sex a lot (which is great since I haven't had sex with a guy in a while and I'd probably still not enjoy it, but I don't know) and he thinks I'm a great person too. He makes me feel like I'm something I'm not and when I talk to him it just makes my day. He has the power to brighten my darkest moods and make my heart race. LOL, I know I'm making him sound like a god but he's damn close. I'm probably ruining everything by typing all this but I need to get it out. He makes me want to be a whole new person. *sighs* But he's 22 and lives in Tippecanoe (poetry, another thing we have in common, but he's so much better) and...I just don't think it would work. Oh well, I'm still young so I'm allowed to question myself. Hopefully I find myself soon enough before I hurt anyone or myself..
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